Purpose

I've started this post several times before this. It's hard to put into words the feeling of leaving your babies across the world. Well, technically, they were never my babies but some part of me, something inside me says they were. I knew coming home was never going to be easy, its just that no one prepared me for the feeling of never wanting to get out of bed or get out of my pajamas. Or the feeling that the first thing I'm doing as I come home, is waiting to hear when funeral arrangements are taking place for a dear friend of mine. Or the feeling that seeing people when I go home to Portland scares me. How do I explain what I did, what I saw, or what I felt? Sure there are things that I missed like, showers with hot water, sleep, paying in dollars, the water, Pam, stove-tops that worked, the fresh air. But I just miss the hearts involved in my journey. The babies singing and dancing, teaching a baby to sit up on it's own, knowing what they need when they cry, reading the morning devotional to the staff, all the hugs, the laughter, and the love that I felt.

Deep down, I know that it's not about the place I'm in but about my heart. God has given me a heart for people, for babies, for the homeless, for the special needs population, for friends, family, and ultimately for Him. God, may you use this time to fulfill your purposes in my life.

Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. -Colossians 3:17

A sense of security

I got to ride the new Gautrain (pronounced How-train) to Pretoria with Kati. We explored the aquarium and the zoo and saw all sorts of animals there, including hundreds of daycare kids (no joke, hundreds). Note to self: avoid the zoo on field-trip Fridays. We also got a taste of the poverty, the high security, and the lack of restaurants besides KFC. All in all, we had a wonderful time but we feel much safer and secure in Joburg despite it's reputation as the "crime capital". Nina and I are convinced if the nation took down all the walls, fencing, and barbed wire, there really wouldn't be much more crime than any other place. What does it really mean to be secure? I mean, I don't feel any safer having to press a button to open three electronic fences just to park my car. In fact, it makes me more nervous thinking I need these things to have that false sense of security. I just wish we knew our neighbors on the other side of that 6 foot wall better. I have this vision of our kids playing with the neighbor kids and their kids jumping on our trampoline freely, without fear of being abducted. Perhaps heaven will have no fences.

Today, on my 2nd day off, I accompanied Amy (the house mom for child haven) to a funeral in Soweto. It was for the 22 year old brother of two of our kids. He was HIV/AIDS positive and has been sick for a long time refusing to take any ARVs. The funeral took place in front of their humble sized house. When they asked for a friend to pay tribute, no one spoke up. There were no parents and no siblings besides the 2 that we brought. Most of the people showed up to help cover the grave so that they would receive food after the ceremony. It broke my heart to see. There must have been 20+ new graves just for that day. If they are lucky enough or if the family has enough money at the time, they will receive a headstone for the tomb. If not, its a mound of dirt. His was a mound of dirt with a few fake flowers on top.

"She doesn't know what she's missing..."

This is what the social worker had to say about the mom of the baby we received today. And I wholeheartedly agree. The little cutie-patooty is plus/minus 5 months old and super charming. His mother has been known for abandoning him at local daycares for weeks at a time. She is a prostitute herself and most likely using the money to fuel her drug habits. Now that he is in our care, the mother has 6 months to get her life back together or else they will begin the process of severing her rights. I highly doubt he will be going back. When the auntie was given a chance to take him, her response was unfortunately: "just get him out of here. I don't care where you put him, I don't want to know anymore". I pray that the process for putting him up for adoption goes smoothly and that he can find that family that also loves him to pieces.

Also, good news! Baby T is officially being adopted by a mom who has waited 50 years for her very own baby. She is a nurse (woot woot!) and is absolutely wonderful! She comes to visit him once a week until he gets to join his forever family on September 26. Last visit, she walked in and told him "Mummy's here!" It's so great to have these reminders because this is what the Havens are about. As much as we love these babies to pieces, we know that we play only a small temporary part in the plan God has in store for them.

Baby J is working so hard to get up on all 4's and begin crawling. He is our over-achiever around here, although he is about on target with an American baby. We got word that he will also be able to join his family by the end of the month, granted the court keeps up their end of the bargain.

Tummy time is always more enjoyable when supplemented with some Vit D

Sunday's best picked out by me!

The I found mommy and daddy smile!

We love the sun!

This is what happens to me by the end of the day too!

All smiles in our summer outfits

It's a boy! Our newest addition Baby S

He know's he found a good place for now

As for me, 1 week left here at the Havens. It's a strange feeling knowing my time is already coming to an end and not knowing if I will ever see these people again. There are so many unfinished stories, I cannot even begin to think about saying goodbye. Even with all the devastating stories I've read, heard, and experienced, it would be a mistake to overlook the joy and grace that is present here in South Africa. I have seen so much, experienced so much, and grown so much. I've had times of being so frustrated, so sick, and so disappointed yet when I look back over my time, those are never the memories that stick out to me. Instead, I am overwhelmed by the love I have received by so so so many people here. I cannot describe what it's like to hear "that baby is the product of rape" or to even wake up to the sound of the homeless working through the trash bins outside your window on garbage day. However, by daybreak, the birds are always singing and the sun is always shining. God's grace on His people is evident here in Joburg and I can't help but long for this experience to never end. Perhaps God is not finished with me yet. I have to leave my heart open at least because that's the only way I will be able to say goodbye when the time comes.

Untamed beauty

Here are a few of the pictures I captured from the Lion and Rhino Park I visited last weekend:

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Happy Spring Day! Wait a minute...it's Sept....

 We officially celebrated Spring Day yesterday and unlike back at home, it was sunny with a high of 75. That's right all you Oregonians and Seattlites, blue skies is exactly what I enjoyed.  Apparently, I was told that today is "Casual Day" meaning everyone wears their Springbok jerseys for the Rugby and the nice ladies at the checkout sell you a sticker for 10 rand (about $1.50). Around here, people really get into the national holidays.




This week I was able to visit another haven called Adler Haven. It's run by a South African couple with 6 babies between 12 months and 20 months. Things were mighty different than what I was used to at Baby Haven. There is a strong sense that the kids raise themselves. And, the house better be clean if I see you playing with the kids. Oh and the number one rule: the men are always served first in front of the t.v. with a platter (no joke and for some reason ). Once when Kati (the German volunteer like me) and I poured some juice for dinner after asking permission, we were told to pour some out of our glasses because her husband had not been served yet. That night, the husband told us that we were "loving and hugging" the babies too much. Haha. If their only complaint is that we are loving the babies too much, then so be it. We are those crazy international volunteers that are teaching these babies to love and be loved if only for a week.



Besides the clash with the adults, the babies were absolutely precious. It's official, a 2 year old HIV positive baby has my heart. There was also a special needs baby there and sheesh, I think he has a part of my heart too. He is paralyzed on his left side and developmentally delayed because his mother used drugs during her pregnancy.

While I was at Adler, I also visited what is known as a Place of Safety, where I got to meet 7 more babies including my first white baby, She is adopted and joining her new forever family on Friday. Outside of this building, you can literally find a box (similar to a mailbox) where mother's will leave their babies. As soon as the baby is set inside, it sets off a sensor alerting the staff that a baby has been brought. You may think this is crazy, but after the countless stories of babies being abandoned in buckets, thrown in trash bins, or buried alive, you wouldn't think this is such a bad idea. To be quite honest, there are going to be abandoned babies so we might as well offer a resource for mothers to leave their babies in better hands.

Me at the Place of Safety with one of the girls. She had such a beautiful smile and personality. I hope she finds a home soon!

The "baby basket" that I mentioned.

I took an empty bubble container inside and one of the staff told me "we don't have anything to make bubbles". I asked her if she had dish soap and she said "oh yea" to which I replied, "this is all I need". Homemade bubbles can be a wondrous source of entertainment for kids who hardly know how to play.

The young boy with many disabilities. Here I am teaching him how to stand tall. Such a champ!

Pajama party!

I was wearing as much food as he was by the time we finished.

Having a blast on the one and only swing that had never been used. As you can see, they all loved it.

This is what Kati and I woke up to every morning, a little face peering back at us.

Gotcha! This little man wins the most determined to walk award. We have a hilarious video that I will post once I get better internet.

This is Katharina, the German volunteer who I've worked with. She just turned 22 while she was here. She says she can tell I'm German too (lol).

Meet the Princess of the clan. This little diva has quite a voice on her. But you can't help but love this face: )

Hello Friends! We have news that we may be getting another baby Monday. Again, we don't know many details other than the social worker is removing the baby because the mother is involved in prostitution. Baby Lerato now has a real name (which is why I can continue to put "Lerato" on my blog). She is ten and a half months old and HIV negative for sure. Almost two weeks ago, we were able to place her in a hospice care site where she would receive tube feedings. She continues to have diarrhea but is officially gaining weight. We received her development chart from the social worker that indicated she was once 7.1kg (nearly 15 pounds)! This means she lost nearly 5 pounds with this sickness. Luckily, she is back up to 6.7kg and although we know that the tube cannot stay in forever, she is at least improving. Another twist to her story is that her auntie came into the picture. We found out that she has two siblings who were living with the aunt. When there is family in the picture, the baby will always go to family. She may come back for a week or so, but once the court changes custody, she will move in with them.

We celebrated Baby M's first birthday on Thursday and with that, she is beginning to stand and take steps. Hopefully, she will be able to show off for her follow-up OT appointment on the 1st of Sept. Yikes! Did I just say Sept??!? That means a month has gone by and I have to start thinking about school. : (

I have been enjoying my Friday and Saturday off. I was able to go to coffee with Caroline (she started the Havens with her husband David and 5 kids). Caroline is full of so much life and it was just a joy to be able to spend time with her. She gave me a tour of her home and invited me to come to dinner and watch a rugby game with her family. She tells me David isn't much into sports but that she is the sportswoman of the family, lol.

Last night, I was able to see James Blunt at Joburg's Coca Cola dome with a few of my fellow international volunteers. He was amazing even though I only knew 2 songs. This morning I'm headed to a Rhino/Lion park with a volunteer from Florida and a volunteer from Germany. It's like a mini safari that's fairly close to home.

I wish I was able to put up more pictures because I have tons but I forgot my USB cord to plug my camera in. Oops, always forgetting something. I hope everyone is enjoying the official start of summer at home. The end of August always pulls through. Maybe you can enjoy the river, or a waterfall hike, or just an outside BBQ with the fam. Blessings to everyone at home. I send my love and soon enough I will be back!

The good, the bad, and the super smelly!

For all of you faithful blog followers with strong stomachs, this post is for you. If you would like a list of today's events, all it takes is 3 letters: NVD. Luckily, none of these symptoms have effected me but I am in the minority in the household. Every single baby except one is sick with a terrible gastro bug (I'll spare you the details, but Abbey, you would be proud). Our flat has literally become a quarantined ward: healthy upstairs, ill downstairs. Please pray for a speedy recovery for these babies and for our protection against the bug as their caretakers. 

On a lighter note, we have some hope for baby Lerato. Her rapid test results for HIV remain inconclusive, but the bloodwork will give us more insight on Wednesday. However, we have found that she is tolerating a completely plain porridge and soy formula diet. And by tolerating, I mean via syringe feeding. Keep praying for her as we begin to finally move forward with her care.

Today I experienced my first South African storm complete with lightning, thunder, hailstones, wind, and pouring rain. This is the first time it's rained since I've been here. I wonder how much it's rained at home for the summer? My bet is probably more. I also could use prayer for my voice to return. I've been fighting a cold for a few days now and I woke up without a voice this morning. I sounded so different that Samuel (the 3 year old) asked me, "Where's the other Karlee?" because he didn't recognize me.

A tough reality

Mother Teresa was a very wise woman when she said:

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

There are times in which I truly believe she was speaking to the world of HIV. Tonight I heard the words, "She very well may be dying". Words spoken about our baby girl Lerato. It's quite possible that we are watching this baby girl die as we try everything we can to keep her comfortable. Nothing's confirmed because the hospital shoved her out without concluding the PCR (HIV test) results, but after speaking with a pediatrician tonight who works in an HIV clinic, we are quite certain she is positive. After all we've tried for her, it's hard to believe we made a difference at all but as I told Joanna tonight-- if all we did was provide her with a place of love on her way to hospice care, then we did something. The fact is, if her test tomorrow comes back by the end of the week as positive, we will not be able to keep her because the home is just not equipped for long term care. Heart breaking as it is, for many here is South Africa, it is a reality.

A few of my South African favorites include but are not limited to:

• The unlimited sunshine-- only Karlee get's sunburned in the winter time
• Fresh cream custard from Wooly's
• Caribbean Onion and Balsamic Vinegar Lays chips (hey, they came with my welcome basket so I had to eat them)
• Damascus nougats (another ironic gift I was given)
• Their secret love for hidden coffee shops
• The babies (should be at the top of the list)
• The diversity-- multiple times a day I get asked what my accent is. Somehow we never think of ourselves as having an accent. 

Please enjoy the short clip of Baby R doing her best impression of a horse. She thought of this trick on her own.

Continued introductions

I realized I have not introduced you to the other babies of the house, especially my precious boys: Baby J and Baby T. They are absolutely adorable. All you have to do is look and smile at Joshua and he is overcome with joy kicking and squealing with delight. He is one lucky boy. He has a family and we are just waiting for paperwork to be finished before his family can pick him up. Unfortunately, South Africa law forbids parents adopting from seeing the child before paperwork is completed which means they cannot come visit. I was told the law is an attempt to limit child trafficking but it's difficult for those genuine parents who just want to see their babies. But yes, Baby J is the youngest here. I am convinced he will be a basketball player because he's about twice the length/height as our 6 month old Baby T. All the local staff are putting bets on him as a soccer player instead because the sport's so big but I am convinced basketball will be his gift. Who would have thought the next Michael Jordan came from a baby haven? But Baby J was born to love.

Baby T, the other boy, is thriving here. He had a rough start and a near death experience because the hospital that I was referring to from my last blog wouldn't admit him until he was at death's doorstep. Both Joanna and Caroline told me they weren't sure if they were going to make it to the hospital the second time. Apparently, at the age of 4 months, your eyes have to sunken in and your skin ashen before the government hospital believes that you are sick. But enough of that. After 3 weeks of real progress, he's now working on his "chubba bubba" status and is gaining weight like a champ. He is the baby that has officially spit up multiple times on every item of clothing I own. He politely smiles everytime he gets me unexpected. We are working on him sitting up and growing a full head of hair. Right now, he kinda looks like an old man with a receding hair line. Gives new meaning to the phrase "reverting back to childhood" as you grow older.

From a nurses perspective

Lerato is our mystery girl found next to her dead mama. She is in the hospital at the moment. At this time, the hospital continues to withhold her test results for TB, HIV status,  ABG results, kidney function, etc. This picture was taken on a good day and as you can see, her skin literally is glowing. 

My place of residence. The square on the wall is my heat source at night. 

Me and Lerato. We think she is around 9-12 months.

We love BUMBO chairs! Baby T on the left and Baby J on the right. Baby T is actuually 1 month older than Baby J if you can believe it. 

Baby R has to be the smartest 14 month old I have ever met. Not to mention her beautiful smile that is so contagious! 

Baby J loves music so we sing baby beluga quite frequently. He has a family! yay! But we are waiting an extra long time for paperwork to go through. Everything's slower in SA

Baby races! Baby R on the left drags that walker all over the place. She looks like a determined mama with a shopping cart. She has started walking within the past 3 weeks and is the one who has been healed of AIDS. 

Here is Baby M working on her standing. One doctor would like to write a report for a special needs adoption because she is so behind on her development so we are using every waking moment to work with her and see if we can avoid the report. A report like this would drastically minimize her odds of adoption. 

And a picture I couldn't pass up from yesterday. One thing you will notice is that everyplace you go has a gate or wire of some sort. Everything here in SA is locked up. I find this picture ironic and very characteristic of my week. In the background you see the beauitful bird of paradise flower yet it is hidden behind a tall wall and barbed wire fencing. 

Much like this picture, my week has been quite lengthy. I just finished a 40 hour and very eventful shift. On Tuesday, Lerato began refusing to eat her food and spent the entire day vomiting everything including the Rehydrate we were trying without success. We knew she was sick when she came, but then again, so are most of the babies when they come. We just didn't know how sick. The only difference is: 8 days later she seems to be getting worse. Joanna (the house mom) was out most of the day but when she came home I told her the status. We contemplated going to the hospital for the next hour. You see, going to the hospital is never a pleasant experience, especially when you are dealing with the government system. Sure enough, I made the call because it was better to take her at a mildly dehydrated status than to wait and have her make a turn for the worse in the middle of the night. The drive to the hospital is not one you would want to make in the middle of the night. So at 7:00pm, Joanna and I loaded up the car and made the drive. Usually at a mildly dehydrated  status, the hospital would turn you away and send you home but because we knew nothing of her HIV and TB status, they actually admitted her to the ward. I was completely horrified at the lack of concern by the hospital staff. First of all, they don't know if she has HIV, let alone AIDS, and yet as they draw blood from her, it gets all over the doctor's hands and she proceeds to grab a kleenex to wipe it off and move to the next patient. I would like to know how the doctor's have not contracted HIV from their messy habits. Not only are they putting themselves at risk but they risk the integrity of the entire population in the room with their carelessness. I watched as they placed a young boy patient on a bloody sheet that nobody bothered to change between patients. Joanna claims she always thinks twice about taking them to the hospital because they are often more sick leaving than arriving. Anyways, Lerato was admitted overnight. The next morning, they called Joanna to tell her the Lerato was ready to be discharged. Joanna inquired about Lerato's HIV and TB status. They claimed that they wouldn't discuss the results over the phone so Joanna went to the hospital. When she arrived, the staff proceeded to claim they had "lost" her file but that she was still ready for discharge. Joanna says ok, so she's tolerating her bottles fine with no diarrhea? They say, oh no, we've tried everything and she just won't drink. Joanna says, so what do you expect us to do? We brought her here because we've done all we can and for 8 days things have been just getting worse. In the states, the staff would most likely proceed to find resources for the concerned parent but here, the doctor thought Joanna was challenging her authority. O, and that lost file, was found once they decided she wasn't ready to be discharged. At this point, Lerato continue to remain under the care of the hospital staff and the social workers are battling it out. I find it absolutely heart wrenching how the hospital is concerned over their reputation and status instead of the health of a baby. Patient advocacy? Please. Those are foreign words to the government hospital. What about patient rights you ask? What about the sign with the red letters with sentences that begin with "The patient has the right to...." -- completely disregarded. In this hospital, all the mediocre care you receive, you must battle for. It may come across rude but as Lerato's legal guardian we are simply looking out for the best interest of the child.

Anyways, I just wanted to give some insight to this system. The next morning, Samuel (Joanna's 3 year old son) swallowed a rand coin so she was back in the hospital so they could operate and remove it. That left me with 4 babies on my own, which I managed. They still are the joy of my life and I thank God everyday for the blessing He has given me to work with these children.

More to come as I have just bought a wireless internet device. Love and blessings to everyone!

A Saturday update

Ah, where to begin? Since I last wrote, I have moved in and settled at the Baby Haven. I have no internet there although I may be able to get some in the near future which will allow me to update you more often. If that is the case, I will be able to upload some pictures so that you can put some faces to the stories.
At the Haven, I am a part of a team taking care of 3 girls and 2 boys all under the age of 14 months. They are precious! I moved in the same day as Baby Lerato (meaning love).You can imagine a baby with absolutely no emotion, except fear in her eyes, that was Lerato. She was propped up against the couch with a couple of toys around her and would not move until someone else picked her up. I was told that she was found next to her dead mother (close to my age) who died of AIDs. We have absolutely no history on her. We don't know what she ate, what she drank, even her age is a mystery. Just think for a minute how important your birthday is. Now think of this baby girl. Can you imagine growing up, never knowing when your birthday really is?  next Thursday she will go into the clinic to be checked for HIV and TB (2 diseases we fear she has) and they will base her approximate age on her developmental skills and what she's capable of doing. My guess is that she is physically around 12 months and developmentally around 9 months. Despite all of this, there is some good news. After 24 hours of being at the Haven, she has found her voice and her dance as she is frequently found bobbing up and down singing a quiet "lalala" to any audience willing to listen. It's amazing what 24 hours of being loved will do to a soul. Her and I have our challenges as she has never seen a white woman as a face of trust. We have yet to conquer the bottle together but I see our relationship as something much bigger. It is a testimony to the issue of race in South Africa. Together, we are overcoming deeper tensions and crossing cultural boundaries that we would have never faced in our previous lives. To me, this story is worth a thousand words. Please pray for Baby Lerato. That she may continue to grow in her trust and that ultimately, TB and HIV results would come back negative.

I also want to introduce you to Baby M. She is a chubba bubba! The best way she has learned to crawl is sitting criss-cross applesauce and pulling herself around using her arms with one leg dragging behind. I just recently learned that she was born with syphilis from her parents and they are worried she is developmentally delayed. At this point, her time is crucial. If she does not show improvement soon, the doctors fear she may never catch up. Any chance I get, I am working with her on standing,picking herself up, and just generally beginning to use her legs more.

Since moving into the Havens, I have met so many wonderful people. Our house mom Joanna is from England and has adopted a son Samuel who is now 3. We connected over our love for an "English Christmas" as she calls it--which merely means having the holiday in the wintertime with lights, decorations, and hot chocolate to go around. Here, it is sunny and warm with cold turkey and swimming pools outside. This year, she will be able to return to England for Christmas, the first time in 3 years.

I have also met many house aunties from within South Africa. I love listening to them dance and sing as they mop the floors and change the babies. One lady laughs at me for always letting my tea and coffee go cold before I'm able to drink it. (I get easily distracted: ) She says I like cold coffee better than hot coffee lol. Speaking of coffee, the mall close to our place actually has a Seattle's Best coffee house. They make wonderful americanos for 19 rands (just over two dollars). It is easily one of my favorite places yet!

Well, since I'm being charged for my time, I am going to wrap this up. I hope all is well back at home! I love and miss everyone! Hopefully, next time I will be posting pictures and telling more stories.

I made it!

This message comes a little bit late but I arrived safely last night at 9:30 pm after 20 hours of travel! I almost didn't make it out of Seattle airport because I was competing against time and a hundred military personnel headed home from boot camp. My solution? The nice guy with the fro called my flight and I cut in line: ) But I made it to the back of the boarding line eventually and successfully boarded. When I arrived in Amsterdam I literally walked off one flight and right into another line to board my next flight. Not much time to think or open presents but it was okay. I sat next to a 10 year old boy from Zimbabwe who now lives in Ireland with his grandmother. They were flying to South Africa for a wedding. Could you imagine taking an almost 11 hour flight for a wedding!? That's dedication for sure. Now it's the morning of (well around noon) and I am waiting for a ride to go visit the Baby Haven. Unfortunately, I missed the warm water curfew by a couple of hours but I'm not complaining because at least it's a shower! That's all for now, but I will have more once I meet and greet the babies this afternoon.

A great day!

Today has been a great day in Oregon. First of all, it was Freddo Friday at Peet's. As many of you know, I am an avid fan when it comes to $3 Freddos and I was thoroughly disappointed by my mom's response of "it's okay". But that's beside the point of it all. The real big second is that I added 5 more bottles of Children's vitamins (Costco size) and a baby scale thanks to donations from the hometown. The baby scale was a last minute need that was completely fulfilled by a stranger from a craigslist ad. Once he found out I was taking it to South Africa, he told me to take it for free! The generosity of all the people I have encountered just brings me so much joy! I love the fact that I am traveling with a little bit of everyone's love. For those who cannot travel with me, I will bring one more resource, one more hug, and one more ounce of unlimited love. Now hopefully they won't charge me for the extra baggage, but I just can't leave these essential items behind.

Preparation

If you had asked me 4 months ago if I knew I would be packing children vitamins in preparation for my flight to Africa, I would have said you were crazy. Yet, that's exactly what I'm doing and in 6 days I will be boarding a very very long flight to Amsterdam and then to Johannesburg, South Africa to personally deliver them. Thanks to so many family and friends who have made this possible!
There's a part of me which doesn't really believe this is happening. That I'm actually old enough to travel across the country, no across the world, by myself to a continent I've only dreamed of going to and work at an orphanage. People have asked me if I'm nervous about the whole trip. To be honest, I'm not. Although I cannot be certain what God has in store for me, I am certain it's where I'm meant to be. I am also certain that He is my protector and my provider and that He will guide my way. Look at how far I've come already!